June 30th, 2006. Beau's doing well for being ONE MONTH OLD!!! He's peeing lots again and returned his "more stable" status and blood gases. That's not to say he hasn't been stable- just now he's more so.... Anyways! He's developed a hernia which is also not uncommon in preemie boys. He's not on any pain with it. They're going to continue monitoring it and if it gets worse, maybe close it up. That will be way further down the line.

Yesterday I was able to hold him, not Kangaroo, but really hold him. It was great looking at his face and giggling with Neill about his little expressions and smiles and reactions. It felt like a normal family. Since it was his first time being held like a full term baby, the nurse said we'll try it for 20-30 minutes and then put him back. Two hours later he got too fussy and we put him to bed. I'm still smiling today.

We also got good news yesterday. One of his nurses suggested putting clothes on him and bringing in his baby blankets to keep him warm and comfy. She said him smelling us will be a great comfort to him and help him calm himself down. It might help to keep him more stable longer since he really seems to like it when we're there with him. It's so funny how a baby so small and not ready to be in the world is here and not only that- but is responding to the world around him. He looks in our direction when we talk to him. He instantly calms when we put our hands on him and comfort him. It's odd, but really great to see him respond better to us than anyone else. It blows my mind- in a really good way!

Please continue to pray for him. I'm convinced it's all the thoughts and prayers that have helped him along so far. Thank you thank you thank you!

June 28th, 2006 and not much pee yet! His nurse says it's very common in babies like Beau. Their bodies can only focus on one thing at a time and right now it's focusing on the infection. They'll probably give him a diaretic and she says premies like often need them when they're in the hospital. I'm going to go see him this afternoon and I'll post the newest update afterwards.

Please pray for him. Good thoughts!!

I just got back from the NICU. 5 good hours with Beau too! I got to Kangaroo him again today for 2 hours. He does so well when he's being held skin to skin. I also had a "family meeting" with one of his doctors today. She said his latest ultrasound shows old blood in the space at the base of his brain. She thinks his second head ultrasound was a day shy of catching it. It's been about a week and a half since that second ultrasound and it doesn't look too bad. He hasn't shown any problems because of it and it's not putting any pressure on his brain or disrupting the flow of fluid around his brain. They gave it a 2 on a scale of 1-4, average she says. She also told me it's expected in a baby his GA and they were pleasantly surprised when it didn't show up on the second scan. They're going to do a follow up on Monday and plan a course of action depending on that scan.

She also went further into detail about his lung infection and false blood infection. Everyone at the NICU has brought up the "how he got this infection in the first place" talk. It didn't even occur to me to ask that. I know hospitals have bacteria and it could have come from anywhere. I could have breathed it on him for all we know. My word of advice to all you NICU parents out there, family, and friends of Beau- don't do that to yourself. Don't keep racking your brains about where an infection could have come from. It will drive you insane and no one in this situation needs to lose more sanity. Instead- be calm, understand the risks, but focus on what they plan to do about it. Anyways, I'm done with that rant. Beau will be on a 7 day course with those two antibiotics to really kick this bacteria's butt! She also said they can't get rid of it completely because of his breathing tube, and bacteria love breathing tubes! The goal is to knock it out enough to keep it dormant and keep Beau healthy and growing so it doesn't bother him again. Chances are it will come back but for now, we focus on getting rid of it.

He's peeing more than he was yesterday, and he's not so swollen. Thank God for diarectics when you have a sick kid that wants to hold on to fluid. His CO2 levels are up and the respitory therapists aren't happy about that. The doctor seems to think it's related to where they take his blood gases. Originally they were taking them from his arterial line to get a baseline, now they're taking it from his heel. This would make sence since capillaries aren't as O2 saturated as arteries. The plan of action for this little turn of events is to keep going as they have been and keep checking his blood gases to see if it works itself out or if the original baselines were flawed due to where they were taking his blood gases from. So now another wait and see.

And as always, I like to leave these blogs on a positive note. Tonight Beau's doctor said he's a tough little boy and his progress so far has been very good. When he had his PDA surgery and now this infection, all they wanted was for him to stay the same and not get worse, and he has so far. I guess that's all we can do, pray he stays the same or gets better. Personally I'm praying he gets better.

June 27th, 2006. Beau's blood culture hasn't grown anything in a 48 hour period so he's been taken off of that antibiotic. They think the sample was contaminated. He's also been given a "backup" antibiotic for his lung infection. The good thing is they're still able to easily suction the gunk out of his lungs and it's not yellow anymore, it's white. White is definitely better than yellow.

On a more positive note, I got to Kangaroo him for two hours. He did really well coming out and going back into his isolette. He was in such a deep sleep at the end, he didn't even notice being put back.

His newest trick is retaining fluid and not peeing it out. They're going to do more tests tomorrow to make sure it's related to his infection and not his kidneys.

June 26th, 2006. Beau tested positive for blood in his meconium yesterday and today. They stopped feedings yesterday because of it, but are resuming at a reduced amount today. Poor baby, that's all he needed on top of this infection.

Today they're going to test his blood to see how effective the antibiotic has been. They're still suctioning out his lungs every few hours. He's on less oxygen than he has been lately. I'm taking that as a good thing- his lungs are getting rid of the secretions and allowing oxygen to be absorbed. (?) He also has a follow-up ultrasound scheduled this week on his head.

June 25th, 2006. Yesterday I spent 4 hours at the hospital with Beau. His infection was also found in his blood, not localized to his lungs. The lab was still running tests to identify the bacteria. He's responding will to the first dose of antibiotics. His oxygen is way up. He was at 80% when I got there, but down to 70% by the time I left. His night nurse said he was resting comfortably and his oxygen was more around 30%. That makes me feel so much better.

When I called this morning, his day nurse said his oxygen requirement is higher than last night, since he's more active during the day, but lower than yesterday's. He's still responding very well to the antibiotics. He's begun to spit up some of his milk though. She thinks he's just getting too much at once time since he's still making belly sounds. They're thinking of giving him less, but more often so he'll still have the same amount of milk in a 24 hour period. I'm hoping that works and he'll stop spitting up. If he doesn't stop spitting up they'll take him off feedings again then restart him slowly with the trophic feeds.

Please keep praying for him. A huge thank you to everyone out there who's prayed for him in the past and continue to pray for him now. Take care.

June 24th, 2006. I've just gotten off the phone with Beau's day nurse. She said he had an ok night and today isn't any better. They suctioned out his lungs and found yellow secretions. They had it tested and it came back as a bacteria with gram positive and gram negative stains. They're going to give him a semi-broad spectrum antibiotic to take care of both bacterial types.

He's still taking my milk like a champ and all of his other vitals are spot on. He'll have another blood gas at noon. I'll update again when I get back from the hospital.

On a personal note, I'm troubled by this and I need to ask a favor of anyone who sees this post. Please pray for Beau. Even if you're not religious or you don't do that sort of thing... please pray for him. I pray everyday. Today I pray the antibiotics will clear his lungs. I pray they are what's causing the junk in his lungs and not some underlying "thing". I pray he'll have the strength to get through this. Thank you.

June 23, 2006. Yesterday was our 4th wedding anniversary and after dinner and a movie we spent it with Beau. He was okay. He seems to be building up fluid in his lungs and of course he can't take in as much oxygen when he's feeling so yucky. They started him on laesix to try and flush the fluid out of his lungs. His nurse said it was taking a lot to calm him down, including extra bolisses of fentinol, especially after being changed. (Please excuse the spelling.) His blood gases aren't looking so good either. On the plus side, he's taking my milk like a champ with no issues. They're still increasing his feeding amounts every 4 hours. His heart is doing great as is his blood pressure.

Today, when we saw him, his oxygen was up to 70%; where as he usually hovers between 30-50%. Kind of freaked me out. I really don't want him back on the oscillator. Today's xray looked better than yesterday's in terms of fluid. So, I guess the laesix is doing its job. His day nurse said he's still doing impressively well for a baby of his gestational age. He's gaining weight, but how much of that is fluid isn't known.

Tonight when I called the NICU, his nurse said he's back down to 40% oxygen and seems very comfortable. She said he's not fidgety at all. He did very well getting his diaper changed and all set up for the next 4 hours. I'm happily surprised. She also hasn't had to give him extra fentinol which really makes me happy. I'd like him off of that as soon as he is okay with it. So in a nutshell, today was better than yesterday, but tonight is better than today... I'll take it!

June 21st, 2006. Last night I got to Kangaroo Beau again. He slept while I relaxed for two and a half hours! It was absolutely amazing. He's so calm when he's with me. Neill sat in the rocking chair next to us. It was nice to take a little family nap here and there. It was even better to sit and talk to Neill with Beau laying on me. I felt like a real, cookie-cutter family you see on TV and in books. It's really so hard to look at your baby laying in his isolette and know that there's not much you can do. All I can do is keep supplying the breast milk and be there when he can be Kangaroo-ed.

Okay anyways, he's up to 990 grams! That's 2 pounds, 2 ounces, or just under one kilo. They're working up his feedings to 80-100 mL while backing off on his IV's. When he's completely off of IV's, he should be up to 150 mL for his weight class. Now that they've put in a bigger breathing tube, he's much more comfortable and his oxygen and pressure settings are pretty stable. His blood pressure is spot on and he's growing like a weed!

Lets keep our fingers crossed and keep praying to God that he keeps doing so well.

June 20th, 2006. HAPPY THREE WEEKS BEAU!!! Here he is smiling for the camera!

He is doing GREAT since his surgery! He took a few days to calm down, but now... wow is all I can say. He's now 960 grams and taking trophic feeds. They are going to up his feeds to double today. It's the first time he's been able to do that. I'm so proud of him.

He's also had to go up a size on his breathing tube since he's growing so big. I'm really happy about. He kept pulling out his tube and making noise around it. Not fun.

I should be able to resume Kangarooing him sometime this week or next. I can't wait, he responds so well to it. I love seeing him so calm and in such a deep sleep.

I pray to God he'll keep doing so well.

June 18th, 2006. Beau's come out of his surgery "beautifully," so say his doctors and nurses. I'm pretty happy about that. His chest tube has come out today. He had a bit of a peeing problem last night but finally went three big pees in 4 hours. It's so funny to be really proud of your son and breathing a little easier when he pees.

He had a small issue with his breathing tube. Somehow there was a leak? As his nurse says, one possibility is that his trachea has grown with him and the tube they originally put in is now too small to form a seal. This means his lungs weren't being inflated as much as they should have been.

Today is the first full day after his PDA surgery and he's still looking really good. He's growing rather big and kicking those feet out then pulling them back in. His nurse says that retraction of his limbs is really advanced for his age. Lets hope and pray he continues to do so well.

June 17th, 2006. Today Beau is getting another ultrasound to make sure his PDA is still open, if it is he'll go straight into surgery to close it. At first I was slightly happy he was going to have it- an end to 2 1/2 weeks of it opening and closing. I thought, "Okay, well now we can have a permanent end to this and he can finally move on." Yesterday I spoke to the various doctors who will be involved with the surgery and now it's become VERY real. I'm freaked, I'm worried, and I'm praying to God that my little boy will be okay. I know that to all the doctors and nurses this is completely routine and they've done it a hundred times with no issues, but I haven't gone through it a hundred times with no issues and I'm not the mom to all the babies who've already had it. I'm Beau's mom, and I think I'd be scared for myself if I wasn't worried about him.

I'd like to give everyone who's read this blog and had us in their thoughts and prayers, whether you've left a comment or not, a huge Thank You. Telling us you've been through it, calling and asking how he's doing, or letting us know you're there if we need someone means the world to us. Thank You again from our family to yours.

June 15th, 2006 and I think I spoke too soon about that damn PDA!! Tonight his nurse heard a murmur. They're not sure if it's from his low blood or the PDA. Tomorrow he's getting a blood transfusion and an ultrasound to see which it is. If the PDA is open he'll go to surgery immediately. One way or another, it looks like we'll find out tomorrow. I'm not scared or too worried about him having the surgery. I just want it closed so his body can do what it needs to do. He goes downhill so fast when it's open. I want it over with and sealed permanently for his health- not so I can sleep better.

On a happier note... Mr. Beau Jacob has decided to open his eyes!!! He's so cute!!! He's so responsive and already trying to use them to see who's talking. ANNNND... he blinked when Neill took a picture of him, so we know they're developing just fine so far.

It's amazing the things you take for granted when you've had limited exposure to premature babies. You just assume things are fine. I know I'd have taken him for granted would he have been full term. I wouldn't be so excited about him blinking or responding to my voice or even living day to day. I wouldn't look forward to changing his diaper or cleaning his mouth. Although it's not the most ideal situation, I've learned the value of my son and just how precious life is. How strong his little spirit is, how much I love him. I don't think I'll ever take him for granted.

June 14th, 2006 and it's the first time I've been able to hold my son since he's been born. I think he's absolutely perfect. He cuddled up on me and fell fast asleep. I can't believe how much I love him, how much he amazes me. This tiny little person who I barely even know has got me wrapped around his little finger. I'm still on cloud nine. His nurses want me to Kangaroo him once everyday as long as he's as stable as he was today. I have no problems with that at all! I'm more than happy to hold him for as long as he wants. At first the nurses want us to start with one hour, then gradually increase the time. I love the sound of that. It'll be hard, but happy, for me to watch him sit on his dad instead of me. I am so in love with my family. It was a really amazing day.

June 13th, 2006 and Beau TWO WEEKS OLD!!! He's doing well. I just spoke to his nurse. They turned on his Jaundice lights again, but are shutting them off today. His oxygen has been between 30 and 50% with the conventional respirator. He hasn't had a poop in a while so they're giving him a suppository and they slightly increased his pain meds to keep him a little stiller. He's been wriggling all over the place and pushing away the cloth boundaries. His nurses think he's funny with lots of personality. That left leg just loves to be out straight- he is his father's son!

They're talking about giving him my milk again as soon as he poops. Hopefully the arterial line can come out too so I can begin Kangarooing him. I can't wait to go see him this afternoon. He's reached 2 pounds! Keep up the good work baby, keep up the good work.

I just heard from Beau's nurse... the PDA is CLOSED!!!! YES! He won't need surgery! Of course there's a chance it can open again and at that time he will need the surgery, but his nurse says it's a small possibility. I'm so happy to finally be done with that damn PDA opening and closing. Lets all hope and pray it stays closed!

June 12th, 2006 and Beau is having quite the busy day. His nurse says he's doing ok. I hate when he puts it like that. Okay never sounds as reassuring as it should. It's still better than the hearing he's not having a good day!

Today Beau is getting an eco on his heart to see if the PDA is open. If it is they want to give him a small dose of endocin to try and close it. Should that not work he'll have to have the surgery right away while he's still stable. It doesn't seem real enough to be scared. His nurse warned me that I could be hearing from all the doctors involved, so not to panic if the hospital calls. I guess all of them have to call and tell me what'll happen and what to expect and answe any questions I have. The only one I can think of is if he'll have a scar his whole life. I'm VERY unnerved thinking about my little baby having to have surgery! I can't get the image out of my head. Not good.

He's also getting another blood transfusion and an x ray to make sure the breathing tube is still where it should be. I should be able to find out the results tonight. I'll post them as soon as know.

June 11th, 2006 and I have had an amazing day with my son! My mom and I went to the hospital in the early afternoon to find him still on the good respirator. (I say the good one because I HATE the vibrating one!) He looks so good, color, movement, stats.

He's finished his second round of endocin, though they want to give him a "tail end" dose just to make sure it's closed. Should the PDA reopen again, they'll have to wait till he's VERY stable and give him the surgery. That slightly scares me. He tends to go "unstable" when the PDA is open. What if he doesn't stablize if it reopens? Thinking of all these things and worrying this much is bound to drive people insane.

Just to keep my sanity... the nurse on today tells me to change his diaper and take his temperature. I slightly panic. Although I've helped change a diaper, I've never done it myself. He's so small and squirmy. How the hell am I gonna do this. Taking his temperature is a walk in the park- lift arm, place thermometer in armpit, close arm... hold. The diaper was something else. I unfasten the dirty diaper but leave it on just incase he feels like peeing again. (He has a habit of that!) I unfold the clean diaper and put it close by. Now Beau feels like stretching. Now contracting. You've got to be kidding me. Finally I figure it out, wipe him clean, then replace the diaper. I'm so proud of myself! Quite the milestone for both of us.

June 10th, 2006 and I have NEVER known fear like I have just experienced. I called the NICU early and then right before we left the house to visit him and was told the same thing each time- he's doing really well, nothing eventful.

As soon as we got to the NICU we check in. He calls inside and hangs up the phone with a very straight face and tells us a nurse will be right out to speak with us. I can't feel my legs. I'm cold all over and I feel the blood drain from my head. I might throw up right here and now. I'm imagining the absolute WORST and I can't bear it. Neill hugs me and calms me down. He reassures me that everything will be alright. We sit together in the waiting room for what feels like forever. My heart is pounding out of my chest when a nurse comes to us.

She doesn't smile at first. She says she's not the nurse in charge of our son, but she wanted to let us know that he's pulled out his breathing tube and they're replacing it now. I feel like my legs are going to give out. Why couldn't they just say that at the beginning!!!! I can't help but smile and laugh. The nurse is startled till I explain and she smiles back. I feel so much better now.

When we're finally allowed back in we're caught up to speed. He pulled out his tube a little and they had to replace it. They had to bag him while they changed the tubes, but he did so well breathing on his own, they decided to return him to the other respirator. I'm SOOO happy about that. No more vibrating him out of his bed, no more narcotics. My little boy is stronger than I give him credit for.

The nurses and respitory therapist rave about how tough he is, what a fighter he is, how well he's doing so far. I pray he will continue to do well. They think the PDA has closed but plan on doing an ecocardiogram soon to double check since one doctor thought she heard a little murmur.

He's looking so much better these days. He's now 900 grams, 80 grams more than his birth weight! He looks down right chubby and I'm dying to cuddle him. He is the most beautiful thing I have every seen.

June 9th, 2006 and I was shocked when I came into the NICU. Beau was switched to the other respirator and it vibrates him. I'm so scared I can't not cry. I'm trying so hard to hold it together, but that's my little boy in that isolette all doped up to keep him "comfortable."

They've given him the first dose of the second round of endocin. They think closing the PDA will help his lung and blood gas levels stabilize. If it doesn't close and stay closed he'll have to have the surgery. One of Beau's nurses says 99% of preemies end up getting the surgery. I don't want to think of them cutting my little boy. He's already got three IV's with too many tubes leading into them. I shudder thinking of the IV tubes running into his little body. This shouldn't be happening. I'm losing it and I know it.

I don't want to leave him but looking at him is so painful. God why can't I switch places with him? Why can't I take away all of this and surround him with love and calm and peace and comfort like non preemies get?! Why Why Why!!! I'm so scared. I'm so helpless. I only want to be by his side, I'm too far from him.

June 8th, 2006 and I'm getting scared for Beau. They won't let me hold him. His PDA has opened again and they have to keep increasing his oxygen to compensate. They talk about switching respirators to one that delivers 900 breaths a minute to increase the oxygen in his blood. They want to give him a second round of endocin to close the duct. They've stopped giving him my milk until he can stabilize again. They've got a plan of action for seemingly every possibility. I'm bummed driving home, but still okay. I feel like he's in good hands and they'll take care of him.

June 7th, 2006. Beau is stable enough to Kangaroo him. I'm so excited all the way to the hospital. I can't wait to hold him again. Mothers should be able to hold their babies.

We arrive in early evening and I'm bouncing with excitement to hold him. I'm all set with my button up shirt and front snap bra. When we walk into the NICU there's two new babies, a mom on a stretcher, and a dad. The mom is beaming at one of the babies, the one not getting all the attention from the doctors. He's small and pink, but doesn't move much. The father looks serious and worried. The doctors cluster around the other baby. He doesn't look good. He's very dark red, almost purple and he's limp. I have a sinking feeling when I see him.

The nurse won't let me hold Beau with all the commotion. I'm angry. I feel robbed. It wasn't bad enough to go through all of this, now they're going back on their word to let me hold him!? There's nothing I can do but sit with him and touch him through the isolette and read him a story. I cry the whole way home.

June 6th, 2006. HAPPY ONE WEEK OLD BEAU!!! I'm so proud of him and how well he's done so far. He's absolutely amazing. He's gaining weight- up to 720 grams. The nurses and doctors want to start kangaroo care with him soon. I'm so excited I can hardly wait! It's been 7 whole days since I've been able to hold my son.

June 5th, 2006. Today is the second day I haven't seen Beau. I can't not call the NICU for an update.

He's doing well, stable. They've started giving him my milk. I'm delighted but I still feel on edge. I can't relax when I don't know if my baby will see the next day.

June 4th, 2006 and Beau's had his first step backward. I'm scared but trying to remain calm and rational. I don't know if my son will live or die. His PDA has opened again and he's developing chronic lung problems. I feel like the world has gone silent as I try to hear the doctor tell us about his status. I look from Beau to Neill to the doctor and I still can't hear what's going on. I feel like I'm in shock.

Thank God Neill listened. He tells me it's not as bad as I think it is. He'll be okay. This is expected- par for the course- it's not for me. That's my little boy. I'm his mother. I should be able to hold him and calm him and feed him. This isn't fair. He shouldn't have to go through this. He should be safe and sound in a warm pool of amniotic fluid attached to me by the ambilical cord inside of me. I feel like I might go insane.

June 3rd, 2006. The show must go on! We're having my grandparent's 50th at our house. I'm not ready to answer all the questions. Thank God Mom's taking care of it as best she can. She's attracting a crowd around Beau's photo album. I call the hospital. He's had his first poop!! A milestone I wasn't there to see. Today will be the first day I haven't seen him since he's been born. I feel like a horrible mother.

June 2nd, 2006 and I wake up without my son. He's not inside me, he's not in the house. I feel hallow, going through the motions without feeling. Thinking of Beau brings me to tears. I can't wait to get to the hospital to see him. He's 3 days old and passed a huge hurdle.

Neill's flying in this afternoon. I'm so nervous. He's missed the whole pregnancy and the delivery. I don't know what his reaction will be when he sees his son covered in tubing with a ventilator tube in his little mouth. If it wasn't my son, I'd be horrified and pity him.

At the hospital and Neill will arrive in an hour or so. I sit by Beau's side and read him a story. My guts are in knots.

Beau's PDA has closed but has the chance of reopening. He's only on 21% oxygen. I feel hopeful for Beau's future.

Neill met me outside the NICU and I cried when I finally got to hold him and kiss him. We go in and see our son together for the first time. He looks so tiny and thin I can't help but get emotional. He wasn't so thin when he was born, he's lost a lot.

I feel like I can't breath leaving the hospital with my husband but not my child.

June 1st, 2006 and I have to leave the hospital without my son. I'm all too aware that I'm leaving him behind. I tell myself that he's in the best place possible for him. There isn't better care anywhere in the country for preemies.

I visit Beau in the NICU before I go. I comfort myself with the thought of going back tomorrow. It's already 5 pm and to tell the truth, I am ready to leave the hospital. I need to touch base with something concrete, something I know. My whole world is turned upside down, inside out, then shaken really hard. I never envisioned it this way. Mothers are supposed to leave the hospital with their babies.

Thank God Neill will be here soon, thanks to my amazing father!

May 31st, 2006. I'm still in the hospital. I'm glad mom slept at home. I've already gotten into the swing of pumping and I've been on my feet by myself with no pain since I'd woken up.

The phone won't stop ringing!!! I'm so happy to talk to Neill. He's the only one I really want there. I tell him about our son, how I'm doing, what the doctors and nurses say.

Mom and Dad stop by with Holly and Casey. Auntie Bella and Celeste also stop by. They are so amazing! I'm lucky to have such a supportive family. They offer Neill and I their spare bedroom and a place to park the car when we visit the baby. I'm overwhelmed.

We visit Beau in the NICU. He's so beautiful still. I love him so much and I hardly know him. He's lost weight, but everything else looks good. I feel like I'm holding my breath waiting for him to overcome the many obstacles he's encounter. I'm not very religious, but I find myself praying for my son. Please God take care of him. Please God let me see him grow up strong and healthy.

May 30th, 2006 and I'm in the hospital. I wake up still numb from the epidural. I'm pretty happy about it. At 10 they take me off the epidural to get contractions starting again. It's instant. The hot, searing, cramping pain takes over and I'm almost in tears trying to breath through it. They induce me. I've been at 4 cm since last night.

Mom spent the night and she looks so tired. I wish I could make it all better for her, for the baby, for everyone. Neill's called and I tell him what's going on. He calls every hour. I wish he could be here. I'm trying to hold on until he gets here. Just a few more days and the baby will have an 80% chance, not a 50% chance.

At noon a doctor checks to see how dialated I am, she steps back in surprise and calls in everyone. She's suiting up. Mom has gone downstairs. I ask the nurse to call her. Mom is running through the door and people are running into my room. My nurse, Christine, grabs one leg and mom grabs the other. I'm sobbing. I can't believe this is happening. A calming voice tells me to push when I'm ready. I push long and hard. I feel his head lodged in the birth canal. I stop and take a breath, then push again. I feel his head push through and out, his shoulders, his body, followed by his long legs. I feel every bit of it, even the cord pulling behind him. I hear his small cry and I cry too. I won't take my eyes off of him. They take him to a table while the doctor pushes on my belly to loosen the placenta. She needs me to push one more time. I do and the placenta comes out cleanly. The baby is placed on my chest for not long enough. He's got a breathing tube. He's small and pink and plump and I'm already in love. They give him 7s and 8s for the APGAR tests. I kiss his head, mom kisses his head and he's taken away. They ask if I have a name for him. I don't just yet. I'm still shocked. As they're wheeling him out of the room I say, Beau Jacob. They all smile and repeat it. They take him away. They call the birth at 12:08 pm. Neill calls at 12:30. I'm crying and I'm scared and although mom is there, I feel completely alone.

Four hours later I'm taken up to see him. He's so beautiful. I just sit and stare at him. The nurses tell me he's beautiful and big for his age. 1 lb 13 ounces, 13 3/4" long. So far so good, but it's too soon to tell. I'm worried and scared. What a way to come into the world. I feel bad for him. He shouldn't have to go through this.

He gets his first pictures taken by Caryn, his night nurse, at 10 pm. I hold them and look at them when I'm not in the NICU.

May 29th, 8 am and I think my water just broke. I panic. It's too soon. I can't think straight. This can't be happening. Please God don't let this be happening. I call the doctor then yell for my mom. She helps me to the bed and puts my feet up. The doctor calls back, "Come see me at Parkland. Second floor." I stop panicing, mom is terrified. I'm telling myself that they can stop it. They can give me a drug or stitch shut my cervix. They have to be able to stop this.

At Parkland I'm told to put on a gurney, take off everything. The doctor needs to examine me. The nurse takes a sample from my pad to make sure it's really amniotic fluid. Doctor tries to comfort me, maybe it's urine. I hear the nurse tell the doctor it tests positive for amniotic fluid. He's still trying to comfort me. He examines me, takes a sample, tests it, comes back negative for amniotic fluid. I know he's wrong. He wants to test it again just to be sure. Tells me to cough, collects from the speculum. It comes back positive. I get a shot of steriods for the baby's lungs.

He sits next to my bed and tells me if the baby's born now there's nothing they can do and will term it a miscarriage. I'm shocked and terrified. This can't be. He's alive! He's been kicking inside of me for weeks now. He's got a good strong heart beat! I saw it on the ultrasound. You can't kill my baby! He's still calm, tells me he is going to call around to other hospitals and try to get me transfered to a place where they can save him. I beg him to save my baby. He warns me that women who've been later that me have been turned away. I'm histerical and mom is powerless. She's crying. This has got to be a dream. He comes back shortly with good news. Brigham and Women's will take us. The ambulance is on its way. I'm calming, there's a chance.

The ambulance takes forever. I hate the sad looks I get from all around. I'm cramping lightly. I'm scared and trying to stay calm for the baby. The ride takes forever. I'm alone with a girl who keeps yawning and a guy head down into his laptop. I'd never been so happy to see a hospital in my life.

Inside I'm taken to my room. Doctor's and nurses come in and out. They tell me what's going on, they're kind and patient. They explain everything, good and bad. They tell me what to expect. I'm comforted and calm. Mom and Dad arrive. They are a complete mess. Somehow we get ahold of Neill and I try to explain what's happening. He's scared. He can't get to me. He's so helpless, we all are. He calls through the day and I look forward to each and every one.

I have to be checked regularly for an infection. I'm given magnesium to stop the cramping/contractions. My white blood cell counts jump and I'm taken off the magnesium. At midnight I'm given an epidural and I can finally sleep.