June 2nd, 2006 and I wake up without my son. He's not inside me, he's not in the house. I feel hallow, going through the motions without feeling. Thinking of Beau brings me to tears. I can't wait to get to the hospital to see him. He's 3 days old and passed a huge hurdle.

Neill's flying in this afternoon. I'm so nervous. He's missed the whole pregnancy and the delivery. I don't know what his reaction will be when he sees his son covered in tubing with a ventilator tube in his little mouth. If it wasn't my son, I'd be horrified and pity him.

At the hospital and Neill will arrive in an hour or so. I sit by Beau's side and read him a story. My guts are in knots.

Beau's PDA has closed but has the chance of reopening. He's only on 21% oxygen. I feel hopeful for Beau's future.

Neill met me outside the NICU and I cried when I finally got to hold him and kiss him. We go in and see our son together for the first time. He looks so tiny and thin I can't help but get emotional. He wasn't so thin when he was born, he's lost a lot.

I feel like I can't breath leaving the hospital with my husband but not my child.