May 30th, 2006 and I'm in the hospital. I wake up still numb from the epidural. I'm pretty happy about it. At 10 they take me off the epidural to get contractions starting again. It's instant. The hot, searing, cramping pain takes over and I'm almost in tears trying to breath through it. They induce me. I've been at 4 cm since last night.

Mom spent the night and she looks so tired. I wish I could make it all better for her, for the baby, for everyone. Neill's called and I tell him what's going on. He calls every hour. I wish he could be here. I'm trying to hold on until he gets here. Just a few more days and the baby will have an 80% chance, not a 50% chance.

At noon a doctor checks to see how dialated I am, she steps back in surprise and calls in everyone. She's suiting up. Mom has gone downstairs. I ask the nurse to call her. Mom is running through the door and people are running into my room. My nurse, Christine, grabs one leg and mom grabs the other. I'm sobbing. I can't believe this is happening. A calming voice tells me to push when I'm ready. I push long and hard. I feel his head lodged in the birth canal. I stop and take a breath, then push again. I feel his head push through and out, his shoulders, his body, followed by his long legs. I feel every bit of it, even the cord pulling behind him. I hear his small cry and I cry too. I won't take my eyes off of him. They take him to a table while the doctor pushes on my belly to loosen the placenta. She needs me to push one more time. I do and the placenta comes out cleanly. The baby is placed on my chest for not long enough. He's got a breathing tube. He's small and pink and plump and I'm already in love. They give him 7s and 8s for the APGAR tests. I kiss his head, mom kisses his head and he's taken away. They ask if I have a name for him. I don't just yet. I'm still shocked. As they're wheeling him out of the room I say, Beau Jacob. They all smile and repeat it. They take him away. They call the birth at 12:08 pm. Neill calls at 12:30. I'm crying and I'm scared and although mom is there, I feel completely alone.

Four hours later I'm taken up to see him. He's so beautiful. I just sit and stare at him. The nurses tell me he's beautiful and big for his age. 1 lb 13 ounces, 13 3/4" long. So far so good, but it's too soon to tell. I'm worried and scared. What a way to come into the world. I feel bad for him. He shouldn't have to go through this.

He gets his first pictures taken by Caryn, his night nurse, at 10 pm. I hold them and look at them when I'm not in the NICU.