September 25th, 2006. Beau is now taking 45 mL per feed from a bottle instead of the 30 mL he was taking originally. The plan is to keep working him up like that. Today they tried to bump him up to 60 but he spit up and they decided to keep him where he is for a few days more.
Beau has decided he doesn't want to take a bottle from me. He's taken one for me since his swallow study without a problem. Then he fought me tooth and nail the other night, and tonight he kept spitting it out and crying and arching away from me and the bottle. I'm so upset. It was everything I could do to not cry. I feel like my baby doesn't like me. I wonder if he's just had too many bad experiences bottling with me to feel safe. I hate the idea that my little boy may never take a bottle from me. I feel like he'll just keep fighting me on it again and again. It makes me want to cry now. Not only did he refuse a bottle from me and throw a big fuss, but he spelled on top of that. Just choked and spelled. I feel like it's my fault. I feel like my little boy doesn't like me. I feel like he doesn't feel safe with me.
Everyone keeps telling me to focus on the good and where he's been and what he's done so far. Don't get me wrong. I know a lot of my blogs are sad and depressing, but I can't seem to focus on where he's come from when he's so close to going home. It almost seems like he doesn't want to come home. I know I'm just overly emotional. And yes, Beau has come so far when all the odds were stacked against him. Caucasion premature boys do the worst in the NICU. He is a miracle. It's amazing he's doing so well after how small he was. He's quadrupled his weight and gained 5 1/4 inches. I just get to feeling hopeless, like he's never going to come home. I know one day I'll look back on all of this and say, "God, that sucked." Living in it sucks though. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Tonight I pray for all the premature babies in the world. I pray for their health and their safety and I pray they will go home to their loving parents where they can live like normal babies. Please pray too.
posted by Andrea @ 8:14 PM
2 Comments:
I am so sorry that you had that awful experience. I sort of know how you feel--I was afraid to kangaroo my kids because it seemed like, whenever I did it, they would spell. Same thing with bottling at first, too. It made me feel like a horrible mother. I know how much it hurts and that, combined with how ready you are to be done with the NICU experience and have your little miracle home, must be killing you. Extra paryers for you and Beau tonight. I'll be thinking of you.
You know I am right there with you girl. It is so hard to see it all come so easy for some and our babies have to fight and learn all the things most babies know. It kills you when it's your turn to "help" them and they fight you or it just doesn't go the way it should. Hang in there. (I know easy said then done) but like I said I am there with you. Not only at the NICU but we are on the same page, going through the same stuff. I want Aiden home in the worst way, as you do Beau, and it kills me to see others going home before him. It's also hard like you said to look back and see all they have already fought thru. But we have to, We have to remember that this is just another bump. they have over come so much and come so far, this is a little thing compaired to the other things that could have taken them away from us. We will get through this and Beau and Aiden will be playing together in no time. Then the next time we are at the NICU will be to visit and say Hey look at us now.. Woo hoo.. I love ya girl... Keep your head up.. Love, hugs and belly rubs.. teehee
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