June 9th, 2006 and I was shocked when I came into the NICU. Beau was switched to the other respirator and it vibrates him. I'm so scared I can't not cry. I'm trying so hard to hold it together, but that's my little boy in that isolette all doped up to keep him "comfortable."

They've given him the first dose of the second round of endocin. They think closing the PDA will help his lung and blood gas levels stabilize. If it doesn't close and stay closed he'll have to have the surgery. One of Beau's nurses says 99% of preemies end up getting the surgery. I don't want to think of them cutting my little boy. He's already got three IV's with too many tubes leading into them. I shudder thinking of the IV tubes running into his little body. This shouldn't be happening. I'm losing it and I know it.

I don't want to leave him but looking at him is so painful. God why can't I switch places with him? Why can't I take away all of this and surround him with love and calm and peace and comfort like non preemies get?! Why Why Why!!! I'm so scared. I'm so helpless. I only want to be by his side, I'm too far from him.