June 4th, 2006 and Beau's had his first step backward. I'm scared but trying to remain calm and rational. I don't know if my son will live or die. His PDA has opened again and he's developing chronic lung problems. I feel like the world has gone silent as I try to hear the doctor tell us about his status. I look from Beau to Neill to the doctor and I still can't hear what's going on. I feel like I'm in shock.

Thank God Neill listened. He tells me it's not as bad as I think it is. He'll be okay. This is expected- par for the course- it's not for me. That's my little boy. I'm his mother. I should be able to hold him and calm him and feed him. This isn't fair. He shouldn't have to go through this. He should be safe and sound in a warm pool of amniotic fluid attached to me by the ambilical cord inside of me. I feel like I might go insane.