July 13th, 2006. Today Beau was good. I didn't get to see him until the evening, but I did go shopping for him with my mom. We got some really cute outfits for the little man.

He's been holding these last few days. Not a lot of new changes. Mainly adjusting his vent rate settings. These settings regulate how many breaths the machine gives him per minute. They were going to adjust them tonight and take a blood gas in the morning to see how he's responded to it. So far he's been doing ok. One day he's great and happy to be at a lower rate, then the next he's not good enough to make a change. That's how he was today. His gas wasn't great but wasn't bad- so he got a "growing day." These are days he can just chill out.

When I went to see him tonight he was pretty crabby. Lots of breath holding and easy aggitation. I've only seen him be like that with nurses, never with me. I think he was having a pretty rough day. I got to hold him regardless. He did well, not great, but well. He got upset twice where it was hard to bring him back up, but in between those two crabby times, he was really good. He really scared me when they put him back in his isolette. He didn't like it at all! He brady'd for quite a while, holding his breath and all. His heartrate dropped to 60 beats per minute and his blood oxygen level followed suit. I was scared watching the nurses try to bring him back up. When he finally brought himself back up, after a very scary 4 minutes, we all got to laugh about it. His nurse said how grumpy he was about being separated from me. Good moral boost for me, but not good for him. Little monster. If I knew he was going to react like that I never would have pulled him out in the first place. It's much better for him to sit quiet and sleep and grow. I know he has lots of benefits and growing while being held, but not when he's so easily aggitated.

I still hate leaving him at the NICU. I wake up every morning and I can't wait to go see him. I miss him so much. Leaving is a whole other story. I can be dead on my feet and ready to fall asleep, but I still don't want to leave his bedside. I can't wait to take him home. I miss him already and I just left the NICU.